Truth

Truth is the great equalizer.  Truth is like water, it rises to its own level. 

We live in a world now where truth appears to be expendable and has seemly lost its value.  It is nothing for the presidents and heads of state to deviate from the truth and have no real issue with it.  Currently the President of this country seems to make up his own truth and he is so good at it that he even has his supports believing them.

When I was much younger and being raised by my father, a very strong southern man with integrity (not perfection), he would insist that we (me and my siblings) told the truth.  The opposite of truth is a lie and that was never tolerated.  Lies tended to take on a lie of their own.  There is a saying that is true.  If you tell a lie typically you must tell another one to cover the first one.  However, when you live in truth and are truthful in what you say and do people will respect and trust you more.  This came into play as I got older because as a child, I found it easier to lie about the bad things I had done as to not receive the punishment that accompanied it.   I was not good at it and I think that most of the time my father already knew I was not telling the truth.  There were consequences that as a child I did not think about before telling a lie.  However, as I got older, I realized through experience that truth has immense power and value.

When I was in my teens, I discovered my sexuality was different from those I knew.  I began to explore that part of me when I turned 17 almost 18.   However, while I accepted my sexuality, I did not divulge that information to anyone.  I pretended to like women and live outwardly a life based on a lie and did so for my own comfort and sanity.    As the years went on and I got order and more comfortable in who I was I was able to tell my truth…. I am a black gay man.  Telling that truth to others as well as to myself was life a breath of fresh air every time I spoke those words when asked.  I was living my truth and that truth afforded me some freedoms and joys that I am sure would not have been there had I been deceptive in my authenticity.    In living my truth, I gained the admiration and respect of people because they had seen or heard about so much deceit of men regarding their sexuality.  The hardest part about telling the truth is that you must hear and reconcile with the possible joy and pain that it may cause you as well as others.  Not all truth telling is laced in aromatic flowers.  Some truths are full of thorns.  Many of us, including me at times preferred to hear the untruth because hearing and facing what we knew as the truth was too painful.

For example, my mother died when I was 2 years old.  I have no memory of her AT ALL.  When I was in grade school, I use to make up stories for myself saying that she was not dead but would one day soon show up at 3:15 to pick me up from school.   You see the pain of her not ever coming back was hard for my 10-year-old heart to deal with, therefore, I avoided the truth and make up my own story to cope.  Some 40 years later I sat in therapy addressing the issue of her absence.  I have to again face the truth as a grown man that her death left a whole in my spirit that I would never be able to heal from.  Literally after making that discovery during counselling I became parallelized with grief…adult grief and realization of facing the truth. 

At the end of the day I find it easier and more rewarding to be truthful in most situations.  Quality people of integrity find other quality people of integrity when the truth is part of your being. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is tough when the hurt is caused by someone you love deeply.  When the pain hits you it is like a gut punch that never seems to subside.  You seem to feel blows repeatedly.  The mind then becomes your guts best friend and they seem to sit and talk about the betrayal like old girlfriends at the kitchen table.   Drinking Hennessey and talking about his low-down ass.   The mind becomes that ride or die friend that tells you to cuss that motherfucker out and leave his insensitive ass.  All while your mind and stomach are winning the battle against your heart by drowning it out.   Your mind talking your stomach causing the gut pain to continue every time the mind replays the situation in slow motion causing the tears to flow endlessly.  The calibration of the mind and stomach will drown out any sense of reason that may be trying to edge its way through.

I have not had this happen to me in several years and the pain and disappointment is excruciating.  I seemed to have lost focus and the world as I knew it just hours ago seemed to have shifted all because of someone’s action.  This same someone who told me just earlier that day that he loved me.  At this moment I am questioning that love.  Not only am I questioning that love but my own love for him and my judgment or lack thereof.  What made me allow myself to be so vulnerable?  I began to say, fuck this, I need to guard my heart because no one is going to take care of me like I would take care of me.  I thought that the one person I gave it to freely had no desire to protect it.  As the pain continues and the brain and stomach push me to unrelenting tears and fear I can’t concentrate.  Things are beginning to look bad and at some point, worse.

However, the heart seems to speak up and drown out the noise from the brain.  My heart helped me sit still and understand that he made a mistake that was hurtful but not detrimental nor a betrayal.   My heart has endured much hurt and pain that I felt I would never recover from however; I have been resilient.  Slowly my heart calmed my fears and stopped to curtailed the falling tears.  I began to see why and how I fell in love with this flawed but beautiful man and I could not allow myself to embrace the fears that my mind was telling me were justified.  After the tears subsided, I had to sit and think about who he is and what he is at his core.  In my quiet time I accepted that he made a mistake and if I loved him as I professed, I had to forgive him.  My heart reminded me that together we could work this out and continue to love each other through this.  I have always loved with an open heart and in a big bold and beautiful way.  I don’t want that to change for it is not fair to either of us.  This situation will cause me to pause at times because I am human, and the pain and scars are fresh, but I know we can get through this.  I know it will not be the end of the test we will endure but my faith in us and the challenges going forward are worth it.    Forgiveness is a huge pill of pride to swallow because while the heart has the loudest voice, I can still hear my mind having its say for it will not be silenced. 

“Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear.  That is why it is such a powerful weapon.”  Nelson Mandela 

Compromise

 

It is no secret that I have been lucky in dating and unlucky of love longevity.  I have been in awe of the possibility of loving and falling in love to the point of marriage.  Yes, marriage is something I desire from the pit of my soul.  I so desired a mate that has the capacity to love me with the strength and desire that I have within me.  However, I seemed to be meeting and selecting the wrong men.  They seemed to have no real fire within their belly for the same things I desired.  After several years of therapy, I have learned that part of the issue was me which was difficult to deal with.   

Part of my issue is I have sat back and watched many associates find love and people with whom to share their life.  I often would think, so what is wrong with me and what am I doing wrong to where I am unable to secure a man that has the ability and strength to love and be loved.  While that seems like a small order it is one that seems to be difficult to ascertain with some black men.  I was not willing to go outside my race to fulfill this desire for while seemingly difficult black men are what I desire.    I am sure that it would have made my journey less cumbersome, however, it was not one I was willing to compromise on.  

I got caught up in what was happening around me and seeing the partnerships/marriages of friends that were successful.    It was overwhelming to see relationships of love and not feeling that it was going to happen for me, one of the most loving people on this earth.  Was I seeing the true essence of loving relationships or was I just seeing technicolor love that was playing itself out for those of us viewing?   

About two years ago in a very honest conversation with my cousin, I told her that I had given up on marriage because I no longer saw that as part of my future.  I had not given up on love, however, what I was really saying was that I was willing to compromise for love.  I did not know it at that time, but I was saying it loud and clear just in a different form.  Compromise on my desires to have it all or at least marriage was the beginning of the end for me.  I was willing to settle just to have a glimpse of a loving relationship.  It took me until about a month ago to realize what I had been doing.  I was being destructive to my own future just to have a piece of something.

Six months ago, I met a very nice man that I was willing to give my heart to because I saw in him a potential future.  However, as time went on, I did not see what I desired most and that was a display through words and deeds some type of affection.  While we live in different states there was no verbal expressions of intimate interest.  I just wrote it off as it not being his thing.  However, my soul desired and longed for some form of confirmation but I had compromised and put my desires on that back burner.   We talked about his lack of a desire to get married and live together, two things I desired.  However, I compromised and told myself that this was okay.  It took someone very close to me to help unearth the desired I had buried which has been detrimental to my soul.   It was not this man’s fault, while he is a great guy, he simply does not have the capacity to love me the way I deserve to be loved.  These past 6 months he was truly being honest with me and himself, yet I was the one not being honest.    I can’t blame anyone but myself for where I am today.    I will have to make the hard decision to correct this soon for to go on like this is not fair to either of us.   Compromise should never come at cost of losing one's self in the process.

Heterosexual Privlege!!!

Just the other day the news hit the wire that NBA referee, Bill Kennedy, had announced that he is SGL (same gender loving).  This announcement was sparked when Sacramento player Rajon Rondo made homophobic comments directed at Bill Kennedy.  Bill evidently felt compelled to not remain silent.   When I saw the article, while not a sports fan at all, I thought to myself, “Wow, this is powerful news”.  Powerful because Bill is a black man participating in a very testosterone driving sport.  It is very rare that we see a black man publicly announce that he is SGL.   Because of this I chose to share it on my Facebook page.  I tagged my cousin because she is a sports fan and has been an ardent supporter of me, an SGL man.  For those that are not aware of the workings of Facebook let me inform you.  Once you tag someone in your posts all of that person’s friends are made aware of the post and are able to view and comment on what was posted.  I received a couple of comments to my post that contained comments from what I presume to be heterosexual men like “Why is this important? Do we need to know what people do in their bedroom…” and “This is unimportant".  We don’t need to know or should not care about a person’s sexual preference.  That is a private and personal matter.” 

Upon reading these responses I began to get a little bothered because what some in the heterosexual community do not understand is they have “heterosexual privilege”.   Simply put...“If you don’t have to think about it, it’s a privilege.”  As a SGL man I have to encounter the outward expressions of heterosexual companionship daily.  In everyday life I have to watch heterosexual intimacy from something as small as a warm embrace to a full out tongue acrobatics as I walk down the street.  Not once do I say that heterosexual expression and acknowledgement of who they are as sexual being should remain private.   How often do we read articles on the public heterosexual figures and their partner or spouse?   Heterosexual expression is the norm.  If someone was to ask either of the respondents to tone down his blackness or maleness I am sure an argument would ensue.    Being who you are should not upset or offend anyone.  What some heterosexuals fail to see is that we want that some freedom to live our lives as you do.  You grew up with an accepted existence, however, most of us have not.  However, we long for that comfort.  In supporting us you lose nothing but the world gains immensely.  A world where SGL boys are made to feel odd, strange or abnormal for what comes natural to them and as a result commit suicide or seek acceptance from those that are out to use, abuse or physically harm them.  If Bill’s announcement has helped someone understand that being SGL is not a negative then he has made a true impact on the world.

The above noted comments are subtle but very visible suggestion that it would have been much better if Bill Kennedy would have just stayed in the closet.  Stay in the closet so that I can feel comfortable because this knowledge now bothers me and I don’t like it.   Unfortunately all too often when we as SGL men and women decide to live an authentic life fully we run the risk of losing important people in our lives (friends and family).   The fact that Bill Kennedy took a very bold step to say to the world that he is a SGL man is a very big deal.   It is so because we don’t see very many black men taking that step.  Our communities of color send mixed signals often.  On one hand you want us accept who we are and not live in the closet (aka downlow) but then when one of us choose to be authentic in who he/she is you say that is a private matter we don’t need to know that information.   You have not made it easy for us.   Sorry you don't get to have it both ways.

I am proud of Bill Kennedy for responding with an announcement.   I believe his announcement was specifically for Rondo.  Yeah, you called me a faggot motherfucker (just what I presume he said to Bill) and guess what, I AM.  So what you said did not sting or hurt me it simply gave me strength and the push I needed to live in my truth authentically. 

Sandra Bland!!! Could It Be You Next?

I am wrecked with disbelief once again.  The scores of black and brown bodies continue to increase.  I have tried to turn my eyes from the carnage because to focus on it hurts too much.  While I do did not know you personally the struggle for justice and equality or some semblance of it courses through the fiber of everything I am.  My silence has not been because I did not care but the pain has been numbing if nothing else.

As a Christian I have my faith to lean on and prayers to comfort me but regardless of how much I pray the landscape of a racist world continues to ring in my head.  The fear as a black person on this earth is real and palpable.  The fact that an African American woman (Sandra Bland) was killed in police custody after being detained for a minor traffic violation proves to me that NONE of us are safe.  My multiple degrees, finally tailored suit, expensive luxury vehicle can’t save me from being profiled assaulted and killed by a servant of the people (police officer)  At the end of the day when most of them see me all they see is a person of no value based on my skin color.  When you do not value something you will have no desire or regard to treat it with dignity and respect.   I can no longer look for acceptance in a world that is so hell bent on authority that it can’t see my humanity.  I ache for those that have died at the hands of those that did not and do not value the lives of my black and brown brothers and sisters.  We have given police the authority to kill and abuse those that they are sworn to protect without any retribution.  Racism and police violence is not an United States issue it is a world issue.  The same things are happening to black and brown men and women in various cities of the world. 

Many try to bring up the issue of black on black crime when police violence and murder becomes the topic of conversation.  When this is said what these people are saying but not understanding that they are blaming the victims of oppression for their oppression.  Yes black on black violence is an atrocity but we have to stop looking at the surface and cause of the oppression.  We must stop this process of eating our own.  The issues are not the same.

I can remember in maybe the fourth or fifth grade "officer friendly" came to my classroom to talk about being a good citizen --- not take candy from strangers.  However, who would have ever thought that "officer friendly" is the main person I have to fear.  It is no longer the stranger walking down the street but the blue and white flashing lights that pull up behind you on the leisurely drive across town.  That badge and gun seems to give some police this ultimate power of authority that must be obeyed or you may be in serious jeopardy of losing your freedom or life. 

 

Caitlyn Courage - You Should Have a Dose

Hero and courage are words we use to exemplify a difficult time and overcoming those times.  Lately we have begun to ask if certain people in particular situations deserve to be called heroic or courageous.  Recently the ESPY committee decided to give the Arthur Ashe courage award to Caitlyn Jenner.  The ESPY awards is the Emmy awards for the sports world.  This caused an uproar because it was felt that she was not deserving that award.   I mean really she just changed her name from Bruce to Caitlyn and put on a dress and makeup.  What was so courageous about that?   

Courage is defined as the ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief.   Because many of the general public have no idea what it means to live life in and as your unauthentic self, Bruce Jenner taking the bold step to come out as a transgender woman seemed less than courageous.  It seemed like theatre at its best.   You see there were no visible battle scars or war wounds.  Sexual identity is something that is not understood by many.  Therefore, to some it looks like this Olympian decided to one day play public dress up.  We can’t see the scars of daily life feeling as if you are captured in the wrong body or that you must live as you were born because that is what is expected only to agonize daily for doing so.  Living for everyone else.  Just think how you would feel if every day of your life you had to wake up and wear a “mask” in order to be accepted or liked by the rest of the world.   Did it take courage for Bruce Jenner to transition to Caitlyn on the stage?   So we can debate all day whether Caitlyn should have received the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage. 

Many gay men and women live that life as well and I can tell you from personal experience it is not easy.  It is very freeing to one day accept who you are on the public stage and roll the dice to see who will continue to love and support you.  The decision to take that chance is not easy and in my own decision making I have lost from people that I called friend or had to hear the ignorant comments made by people who called themselves loving me but truly they did not understand me nor did they take the time to do so.  The cost for me was difficult but the reward since living an authentic life as a same gender loving man has been priceless. 

As of April 1^st there were 14 transgender women that were murdered in 2015 of which half were women of color.  Most of these murders appear to be hate-motivated crimes.   The suicide or attempted suicide rate for 2015 among transgender individuals is 40%.  To me that is an epidemic.  Yes, Caitlyn is a woman of considerable financial means and access, however, she chose at the moment of the award acceptance to note the alarming murder and suicide statistics of transgender women.  Her ability to speak to the issue on the public stage hopefully will lend itself to acceptance and understanding by the general public.  Now I do not expect arms to immediately be outstretched to embrace transgender individuals but I know that this is a step in the right direction.

Living an authentic life is not an easy thing.   We all, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transgender, etc. have something that we keep hidden from the public.  May it be an addition or sexual proclivity we hide it because we do not want others to judge us.  To expose that to the world and especially those who love you takes courage.  Courage takes all shapes and forms but at the end of the day you do not get to tell me or anyone else what is courageous.  Acceptance and understanding is what every human being desires in our everyday life.  If you want to do your part then I ask that you go to your computer and Google gender identity to begin gain a better understanding.  Life is too short to live it passing judgment for tomorrow the judgment may be passed upon you. 

Courage is about perseverance, not bravery. Be courageous despite the dear. 

Love Will Save the Day

Today is a historical day for all those who live in the United States of America.   SCOTUS ruled on June 26^th that same sex marriage is legal in this country.  This has been a hotly debated issue for many years now.  Prior to this decision this country has been slowly moving towards equality by legalizing same sex marriage state by state.  However, while this movement has been rather swift there are those that have been building momentum to ensure through divisive legislation that marriage equality is never the law of the land in their state.   I am not deceived there will be those who do not agree with the decision today and will be all they can to fight against it.   And as I sit here writing this I know that some of those will be people who say I they love me.   However, I stopped looking for acceptance and approval by family and friends many years ago for I know who I am.  The fight to get here has been damned hard but I will refuse to let anyone in my life that is unwilling to celebrate it in its entirety.   

When the announcement was made regarding he SCOTUS decision this morning it was an unbelievable moment of jubilation.  Finally in every state of this country I am able to marry that man I love and not have our union challenged.  Our love would be legally viewed as equal.  This is emotional not because I was looking for some sort of sanction to be and love authentically by this country but because now I am afforded the right to choose. 

It was so refreshing to see so many of my friends noting that they are just as emotional.  Now I know that marriage is not for everyone.   However, marriage is for ME.  I want it all…the ceremony in front of God, my family and friends.  I want the struggles of building a life together as well as a love that weathers the storm of bad times and shines brightly during the good times.  I believe is the struggle to have it all….and I want it all dammit.