Truth

Truth is the great equalizer.  Truth is like water, it rises to its own level. 

We live in a world now where truth appears to be expendable and has seemly lost its value.  It is nothing for the presidents and heads of state to deviate from the truth and have no real issue with it.  Currently the President of this country seems to make up his own truth and he is so good at it that he even has his supports believing them.

When I was much younger and being raised by my father, a very strong southern man with integrity (not perfection), he would insist that we (me and my siblings) told the truth.  The opposite of truth is a lie and that was never tolerated.  Lies tended to take on a lie of their own.  There is a saying that is true.  If you tell a lie typically you must tell another one to cover the first one.  However, when you live in truth and are truthful in what you say and do people will respect and trust you more.  This came into play as I got older because as a child, I found it easier to lie about the bad things I had done as to not receive the punishment that accompanied it.   I was not good at it and I think that most of the time my father already knew I was not telling the truth.  There were consequences that as a child I did not think about before telling a lie.  However, as I got older, I realized through experience that truth has immense power and value.

When I was in my teens, I discovered my sexuality was different from those I knew.  I began to explore that part of me when I turned 17 almost 18.   However, while I accepted my sexuality, I did not divulge that information to anyone.  I pretended to like women and live outwardly a life based on a lie and did so for my own comfort and sanity.    As the years went on and I got order and more comfortable in who I was I was able to tell my truth…. I am a black gay man.  Telling that truth to others as well as to myself was life a breath of fresh air every time I spoke those words when asked.  I was living my truth and that truth afforded me some freedoms and joys that I am sure would not have been there had I been deceptive in my authenticity.    In living my truth, I gained the admiration and respect of people because they had seen or heard about so much deceit of men regarding their sexuality.  The hardest part about telling the truth is that you must hear and reconcile with the possible joy and pain that it may cause you as well as others.  Not all truth telling is laced in aromatic flowers.  Some truths are full of thorns.  Many of us, including me at times preferred to hear the untruth because hearing and facing what we knew as the truth was too painful.

For example, my mother died when I was 2 years old.  I have no memory of her AT ALL.  When I was in grade school, I use to make up stories for myself saying that she was not dead but would one day soon show up at 3:15 to pick me up from school.   You see the pain of her not ever coming back was hard for my 10-year-old heart to deal with, therefore, I avoided the truth and make up my own story to cope.  Some 40 years later I sat in therapy addressing the issue of her absence.  I have to again face the truth as a grown man that her death left a whole in my spirit that I would never be able to heal from.  Literally after making that discovery during counselling I became parallelized with grief…adult grief and realization of facing the truth. 

At the end of the day I find it easier and more rewarding to be truthful in most situations.  Quality people of integrity find other quality people of integrity when the truth is part of your being. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is tough when the hurt is caused by someone you love deeply.  When the pain hits you it is like a gut punch that never seems to subside.  You seem to feel blows repeatedly.  The mind then becomes your guts best friend and they seem to sit and talk about the betrayal like old girlfriends at the kitchen table.   Drinking Hennessey and talking about his low-down ass.   The mind becomes that ride or die friend that tells you to cuss that motherfucker out and leave his insensitive ass.  All while your mind and stomach are winning the battle against your heart by drowning it out.   Your mind talking your stomach causing the gut pain to continue every time the mind replays the situation in slow motion causing the tears to flow endlessly.  The calibration of the mind and stomach will drown out any sense of reason that may be trying to edge its way through.

I have not had this happen to me in several years and the pain and disappointment is excruciating.  I seemed to have lost focus and the world as I knew it just hours ago seemed to have shifted all because of someone’s action.  This same someone who told me just earlier that day that he loved me.  At this moment I am questioning that love.  Not only am I questioning that love but my own love for him and my judgment or lack thereof.  What made me allow myself to be so vulnerable?  I began to say, fuck this, I need to guard my heart because no one is going to take care of me like I would take care of me.  I thought that the one person I gave it to freely had no desire to protect it.  As the pain continues and the brain and stomach push me to unrelenting tears and fear I can’t concentrate.  Things are beginning to look bad and at some point, worse.

However, the heart seems to speak up and drown out the noise from the brain.  My heart helped me sit still and understand that he made a mistake that was hurtful but not detrimental nor a betrayal.   My heart has endured much hurt and pain that I felt I would never recover from however; I have been resilient.  Slowly my heart calmed my fears and stopped to curtailed the falling tears.  I began to see why and how I fell in love with this flawed but beautiful man and I could not allow myself to embrace the fears that my mind was telling me were justified.  After the tears subsided, I had to sit and think about who he is and what he is at his core.  In my quiet time I accepted that he made a mistake and if I loved him as I professed, I had to forgive him.  My heart reminded me that together we could work this out and continue to love each other through this.  I have always loved with an open heart and in a big bold and beautiful way.  I don’t want that to change for it is not fair to either of us.  This situation will cause me to pause at times because I am human, and the pain and scars are fresh, but I know we can get through this.  I know it will not be the end of the test we will endure but my faith in us and the challenges going forward are worth it.    Forgiveness is a huge pill of pride to swallow because while the heart has the loudest voice, I can still hear my mind having its say for it will not be silenced. 

“Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear.  That is why it is such a powerful weapon.”  Nelson Mandela 

Compromise

 

It is no secret that I have been lucky in dating and unlucky of love longevity.  I have been in awe of the possibility of loving and falling in love to the point of marriage.  Yes, marriage is something I desire from the pit of my soul.  I so desired a mate that has the capacity to love me with the strength and desire that I have within me.  However, I seemed to be meeting and selecting the wrong men.  They seemed to have no real fire within their belly for the same things I desired.  After several years of therapy, I have learned that part of the issue was me which was difficult to deal with.   

Part of my issue is I have sat back and watched many associates find love and people with whom to share their life.  I often would think, so what is wrong with me and what am I doing wrong to where I am unable to secure a man that has the ability and strength to love and be loved.  While that seems like a small order it is one that seems to be difficult to ascertain with some black men.  I was not willing to go outside my race to fulfill this desire for while seemingly difficult black men are what I desire.    I am sure that it would have made my journey less cumbersome, however, it was not one I was willing to compromise on.  

I got caught up in what was happening around me and seeing the partnerships/marriages of friends that were successful.    It was overwhelming to see relationships of love and not feeling that it was going to happen for me, one of the most loving people on this earth.  Was I seeing the true essence of loving relationships or was I just seeing technicolor love that was playing itself out for those of us viewing?   

About two years ago in a very honest conversation with my cousin, I told her that I had given up on marriage because I no longer saw that as part of my future.  I had not given up on love, however, what I was really saying was that I was willing to compromise for love.  I did not know it at that time, but I was saying it loud and clear just in a different form.  Compromise on my desires to have it all or at least marriage was the beginning of the end for me.  I was willing to settle just to have a glimpse of a loving relationship.  It took me until about a month ago to realize what I had been doing.  I was being destructive to my own future just to have a piece of something.

Six months ago, I met a very nice man that I was willing to give my heart to because I saw in him a potential future.  However, as time went on, I did not see what I desired most and that was a display through words and deeds some type of affection.  While we live in different states there was no verbal expressions of intimate interest.  I just wrote it off as it not being his thing.  However, my soul desired and longed for some form of confirmation but I had compromised and put my desires on that back burner.   We talked about his lack of a desire to get married and live together, two things I desired.  However, I compromised and told myself that this was okay.  It took someone very close to me to help unearth the desired I had buried which has been detrimental to my soul.   It was not this man’s fault, while he is a great guy, he simply does not have the capacity to love me the way I deserve to be loved.  These past 6 months he was truly being honest with me and himself, yet I was the one not being honest.    I can’t blame anyone but myself for where I am today.    I will have to make the hard decision to correct this soon for to go on like this is not fair to either of us.   Compromise should never come at cost of losing one's self in the process.

Heterosexual Privlege!!!

Just the other day the news hit the wire that NBA referee, Bill Kennedy, had announced that he is SGL (same gender loving).  This announcement was sparked when Sacramento player Rajon Rondo made homophobic comments directed at Bill Kennedy.  Bill evidently felt compelled to not remain silent.   When I saw the article, while not a sports fan at all, I thought to myself, “Wow, this is powerful news”.  Powerful because Bill is a black man participating in a very testosterone driving sport.  It is very rare that we see a black man publicly announce that he is SGL.   Because of this I chose to share it on my Facebook page.  I tagged my cousin because she is a sports fan and has been an ardent supporter of me, an SGL man.  For those that are not aware of the workings of Facebook let me inform you.  Once you tag someone in your posts all of that person’s friends are made aware of the post and are able to view and comment on what was posted.  I received a couple of comments to my post that contained comments from what I presume to be heterosexual men like “Why is this important? Do we need to know what people do in their bedroom…” and “This is unimportant".  We don’t need to know or should not care about a person’s sexual preference.  That is a private and personal matter.” 

Upon reading these responses I began to get a little bothered because what some in the heterosexual community do not understand is they have “heterosexual privilege”.   Simply put...“If you don’t have to think about it, it’s a privilege.”  As a SGL man I have to encounter the outward expressions of heterosexual companionship daily.  In everyday life I have to watch heterosexual intimacy from something as small as a warm embrace to a full out tongue acrobatics as I walk down the street.  Not once do I say that heterosexual expression and acknowledgement of who they are as sexual being should remain private.   How often do we read articles on the public heterosexual figures and their partner or spouse?   Heterosexual expression is the norm.  If someone was to ask either of the respondents to tone down his blackness or maleness I am sure an argument would ensue.    Being who you are should not upset or offend anyone.  What some heterosexuals fail to see is that we want that some freedom to live our lives as you do.  You grew up with an accepted existence, however, most of us have not.  However, we long for that comfort.  In supporting us you lose nothing but the world gains immensely.  A world where SGL boys are made to feel odd, strange or abnormal for what comes natural to them and as a result commit suicide or seek acceptance from those that are out to use, abuse or physically harm them.  If Bill’s announcement has helped someone understand that being SGL is not a negative then he has made a true impact on the world.

The above noted comments are subtle but very visible suggestion that it would have been much better if Bill Kennedy would have just stayed in the closet.  Stay in the closet so that I can feel comfortable because this knowledge now bothers me and I don’t like it.   Unfortunately all too often when we as SGL men and women decide to live an authentic life fully we run the risk of losing important people in our lives (friends and family).   The fact that Bill Kennedy took a very bold step to say to the world that he is a SGL man is a very big deal.   It is so because we don’t see very many black men taking that step.  Our communities of color send mixed signals often.  On one hand you want us accept who we are and not live in the closet (aka downlow) but then when one of us choose to be authentic in who he/she is you say that is a private matter we don’t need to know that information.   You have not made it easy for us.   Sorry you don't get to have it both ways.

I am proud of Bill Kennedy for responding with an announcement.   I believe his announcement was specifically for Rondo.  Yeah, you called me a faggot motherfucker (just what I presume he said to Bill) and guess what, I AM.  So what you said did not sting or hurt me it simply gave me strength and the push I needed to live in my truth authentically. 

Sandra Bland!!! Could It Be You Next?

I am wrecked with disbelief once again.  The scores of black and brown bodies continue to increase.  I have tried to turn my eyes from the carnage because to focus on it hurts too much.  While I do did not know you personally the struggle for justice and equality or some semblance of it courses through the fiber of everything I am.  My silence has not been because I did not care but the pain has been numbing if nothing else.

As a Christian I have my faith to lean on and prayers to comfort me but regardless of how much I pray the landscape of a racist world continues to ring in my head.  The fear as a black person on this earth is real and palpable.  The fact that an African American woman (Sandra Bland) was killed in police custody after being detained for a minor traffic violation proves to me that NONE of us are safe.  My multiple degrees, finally tailored suit, expensive luxury vehicle can’t save me from being profiled assaulted and killed by a servant of the people (police officer)  At the end of the day when most of them see me all they see is a person of no value based on my skin color.  When you do not value something you will have no desire or regard to treat it with dignity and respect.   I can no longer look for acceptance in a world that is so hell bent on authority that it can’t see my humanity.  I ache for those that have died at the hands of those that did not and do not value the lives of my black and brown brothers and sisters.  We have given police the authority to kill and abuse those that they are sworn to protect without any retribution.  Racism and police violence is not an United States issue it is a world issue.  The same things are happening to black and brown men and women in various cities of the world. 

Many try to bring up the issue of black on black crime when police violence and murder becomes the topic of conversation.  When this is said what these people are saying but not understanding that they are blaming the victims of oppression for their oppression.  Yes black on black violence is an atrocity but we have to stop looking at the surface and cause of the oppression.  We must stop this process of eating our own.  The issues are not the same.

I can remember in maybe the fourth or fifth grade "officer friendly" came to my classroom to talk about being a good citizen --- not take candy from strangers.  However, who would have ever thought that "officer friendly" is the main person I have to fear.  It is no longer the stranger walking down the street but the blue and white flashing lights that pull up behind you on the leisurely drive across town.  That badge and gun seems to give some police this ultimate power of authority that must be obeyed or you may be in serious jeopardy of losing your freedom or life. 

 

Caitlyn Courage - You Should Have a Dose

Hero and courage are words we use to exemplify a difficult time and overcoming those times.  Lately we have begun to ask if certain people in particular situations deserve to be called heroic or courageous.  Recently the ESPY committee decided to give the Arthur Ashe courage award to Caitlyn Jenner.  The ESPY awards is the Emmy awards for the sports world.  This caused an uproar because it was felt that she was not deserving that award.   I mean really she just changed her name from Bruce to Caitlyn and put on a dress and makeup.  What was so courageous about that?   

Courage is defined as the ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief.   Because many of the general public have no idea what it means to live life in and as your unauthentic self, Bruce Jenner taking the bold step to come out as a transgender woman seemed less than courageous.  It seemed like theatre at its best.   You see there were no visible battle scars or war wounds.  Sexual identity is something that is not understood by many.  Therefore, to some it looks like this Olympian decided to one day play public dress up.  We can’t see the scars of daily life feeling as if you are captured in the wrong body or that you must live as you were born because that is what is expected only to agonize daily for doing so.  Living for everyone else.  Just think how you would feel if every day of your life you had to wake up and wear a “mask” in order to be accepted or liked by the rest of the world.   Did it take courage for Bruce Jenner to transition to Caitlyn on the stage?   So we can debate all day whether Caitlyn should have received the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage. 

Many gay men and women live that life as well and I can tell you from personal experience it is not easy.  It is very freeing to one day accept who you are on the public stage and roll the dice to see who will continue to love and support you.  The decision to take that chance is not easy and in my own decision making I have lost from people that I called friend or had to hear the ignorant comments made by people who called themselves loving me but truly they did not understand me nor did they take the time to do so.  The cost for me was difficult but the reward since living an authentic life as a same gender loving man has been priceless. 

As of April 1^st there were 14 transgender women that were murdered in 2015 of which half were women of color.  Most of these murders appear to be hate-motivated crimes.   The suicide or attempted suicide rate for 2015 among transgender individuals is 40%.  To me that is an epidemic.  Yes, Caitlyn is a woman of considerable financial means and access, however, she chose at the moment of the award acceptance to note the alarming murder and suicide statistics of transgender women.  Her ability to speak to the issue on the public stage hopefully will lend itself to acceptance and understanding by the general public.  Now I do not expect arms to immediately be outstretched to embrace transgender individuals but I know that this is a step in the right direction.

Living an authentic life is not an easy thing.   We all, heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transgender, etc. have something that we keep hidden from the public.  May it be an addition or sexual proclivity we hide it because we do not want others to judge us.  To expose that to the world and especially those who love you takes courage.  Courage takes all shapes and forms but at the end of the day you do not get to tell me or anyone else what is courageous.  Acceptance and understanding is what every human being desires in our everyday life.  If you want to do your part then I ask that you go to your computer and Google gender identity to begin gain a better understanding.  Life is too short to live it passing judgment for tomorrow the judgment may be passed upon you. 

Courage is about perseverance, not bravery. Be courageous despite the dear. 

Love Will Save the Day

Today is a historical day for all those who live in the United States of America.   SCOTUS ruled on June 26^th that same sex marriage is legal in this country.  This has been a hotly debated issue for many years now.  Prior to this decision this country has been slowly moving towards equality by legalizing same sex marriage state by state.  However, while this movement has been rather swift there are those that have been building momentum to ensure through divisive legislation that marriage equality is never the law of the land in their state.   I am not deceived there will be those who do not agree with the decision today and will be all they can to fight against it.   And as I sit here writing this I know that some of those will be people who say I they love me.   However, I stopped looking for acceptance and approval by family and friends many years ago for I know who I am.  The fight to get here has been damned hard but I will refuse to let anyone in my life that is unwilling to celebrate it in its entirety.   

When the announcement was made regarding he SCOTUS decision this morning it was an unbelievable moment of jubilation.  Finally in every state of this country I am able to marry that man I love and not have our union challenged.  Our love would be legally viewed as equal.  This is emotional not because I was looking for some sort of sanction to be and love authentically by this country but because now I am afforded the right to choose. 

It was so refreshing to see so many of my friends noting that they are just as emotional.  Now I know that marriage is not for everyone.   However, marriage is for ME.  I want it all…the ceremony in front of God, my family and friends.  I want the struggles of building a life together as well as a love that weathers the storm of bad times and shines brightly during the good times.  I believe is the struggle to have it all….and I want it all dammit.   

Has Your Marriage Been Watered-Down?

Marriage equality was first legalized in May 2004 and now there are 18 additional states and the District of Columbia that has followed suit.  When the marriage equality debate began, what now seems like a lifetime ago, many of the opponents began used the argument that same sex marriages would water down opposite sex marriages.  Of course that argument was crazy.   Some were of the thought that this would negate traditional marriage.  It was evident that some within the heterosexual community were looking at it from a different stance than those within the LGBT community.  No, we were not trying to be like heterosexuals.  We simply were attempting to get those same rights afforded to us. 

If I may use an analogy made by a pastor friend.  She stated that when Mercedes came out with the C – Class many of the loyal luxury automobile owners were in an uproar.  You see the importance of owning this luxury car no longer held lucrative value or prestige.  Now that you let others (that are viewed as “less than”) in the “club” our cars no longer have the honor afforded that the high price tag once afforded them.  

I can say the same thing about marriage equality.  Statements such as “Once LGBT men and women are allowed to legally marry each other my marriage will be devalued”.   Of course we in the LGBT community were fighting for equality and not some superficial status that marriage was thought to afford. 

It was evident that some in the heterosexual community were looking at it from a different stance than those within the LGBT community.  No we were not trying to be like heterosexuals.  We simply were attempting to get those same rights afforded to us.  What heterosexuals failed to acknowledge or probably were not even aware of is the fact that they are afforded 1,138 legal rights when legally married that are not afforded unmarried couples including heterosexual couples who choose not to get married.  The one major difference is those that chose not to marry had the option to turn down a right that we as LBGT men and women were never afforded. 

Now, marriage equality has passed in 19 states and DC and I have yet to hear any late breaking news come on the television interrupting my favorite program to announce that heterosexual couples around the country are in distress because their marriages have less importance/value now that LGBT men and women are allowed to marry each other in that state.

It is revolutionary that we have seen so many states approve marriage equality in such a short time.  Today many other states are debating the passage of Marriage Equality.  As history has shown recently, it is simply a matter of time before the other 31 join in and this is no longer an issue.   We are all going to be members of that same “country club” some never thought we should be members of in the first place. 

Live Authentically….But, Not “To Much”

This morning I decided to pick up a Red Eye.  The Red Eye is a free news publication that is published by the Chicago Tribune.  It consist of some news, sports and entertainment.  I typically pick it up just to read the back page which has snippets of entertainment news…okay gossip.   This morning (Wednesday, May 21^st) there was an article on page 3 about Michael Sam written by Nikki Lynette.  Nikki starts the article referencing a conversation she had after showing relatives a copy of the infamous kiss.  She received responses that she never expected.  Her relative’s remarks were jarring but not surprising (e.g. Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve).  Nikki was surprised at the comments for she considers herself liberal with a “to each his own attitude”.   In my head I am thinking nice article and how I looked forward to continuing to read because as a SGL (same gender loving) man I love to see my heterosexual allies.  This reminds me that not all heterosexuals are Neanderthals.

Well as I got to the third paragraph I could hear the tires on the car of progress in my head come to a screeching halt.  You see Nikki begins to state how she is glad that the OWN Network has postponed the Michael Sam reality show.  She states that such a program would just be another example of someone being “singled out” for being gay.  With her being a woman of African heritage making such a statement disappointed me.  For I thought, she just does not get it.  With that statement you are saying that this part of who he is should not be highlighted or acknowledged.  He made a bold stance, one that very few have done and while he is a great football player he is also a black SGL man.  He was telling the world accept all of me.  Not an easy task for anyone who is SGL and especially a black man. 

I was disappointed with this statement because I wonder would she write this exact same article when Dr. Clifton Wharton, Jr. became the first black CEO of a fortune 500 company (TIAA-CREF) or when Ursula Burns became the first black woman of a fortune 500 company (Xerox Corporation).   Would she say that they were being singled out for their race or gender?  Slavery was officially abolished 150 years ago in this country and African Americans and women are still being touted as “the first”.    It is a big deal because coming out to the world is a bold statement and one that can be very costly as a SGL individual.  A price that can be deadly.  It would be nice to live in a country where being the first black SGL person, or the first black man or woman in any category would not be a big deal.  However, that is not the world we live in by any means.  Michael taking that step has given license to so many others that are nameless and faceless to live their lives in an authentic manner.  What pains me is that Nikki as a “liberal” black woman in this country does not see that or have had that explained to her.   While her overall article was supportive of me and my SGL brothers and sisters I want her to know that we are tired of being told “what is the big deal” when we are not the ones that have been doing the ostracizing.   It would not be such a phenomenon if acceptance was a rule of the day.  However, it is that is not the case for SGL individuals, women, people of color, etc.  And until it becomes what the world considers a normal occurrence we will not make a "a big deal" out of it.   

Living in one's truth out loud  and authentically in a world that chooses to devalue and mock your very existence IS A BIG DEAL!!!

Awwww Nawl...Say It Ain't So!!

As I think about how far we as SGL men and women have come in my life time I am over joyed.   I think about our ability to legally marry in 17 states and the District of Columbia.  This was accomplished in just the past eleven years and several other states on the horizon.  Even more astounding is that on June 26 2013, DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) was repealed.  Not to mention the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell".  We have come a long way in such a short time. 

Even with all of the accomplishments we have made as a community there still seems to be this very harsh reality that we have not progressed as much as we think.  I say this because I continue to read some very disturbing things as it relates to dating someone that is Caucasian. 

I would never say that we are color blind or should be in a country where color of one’s skin is clearly an issue.   However, just the other day Michael Sam was drafted by the St. Louis Rams and was televised receiving a congratulatory kiss from his boyfriend who is white.  When I saw it I could hear the screams and criticisms within the African American SGL community “awww nawl not a white boy…damn”. 

This was also the case when Derrick Gordon, the UMASS basketball player, recently appeared on the red carpet at the GLADD Media Awards with his white boyfriend, Gerald McCullouch.    McCullouch is much older than the 22 year old Gordon as well as an actor/director.   The comments after this public appearance were both of race and age.

I think back to the mid to late 70’s when African American women were turned off by seeing a brotha with a white woman.  They would get very upset and feel personally offended by the fact that he would date a white woman.  White women were assumed to be the trophy to one's success.  So it is interesting to see similar attitudes within the black SGL community now.

Many would think that with all the oppression and discrimination we have endure that we would be the last to do the same to others.  However as humans, the oppressed always wants to become the oppressor.  It would be beautiful if we had become different from others and not allowed race to become a deciding factor in how we view someone's worthiness.  What is sad is that by focusing on those who love people that don’t look like us we miss the beauty in their story.  Living and loving who you want to is what it should be about and not about the fact that he chose someone that does not look like me.  Let’s be honest 99.9% of those who made those comments would NEVER be in the running if Michael or Derrick were to only dating within their race.   It is not as if you lost anything in the process or was cheated out of your possibility to catch a good man.  What ever happened to the thought that love and companionship is the goal of most us within the SGL community?  Finding a compatible mate is not easy to attain due of some of the other ills within the community. 

Once slavery was abolished back in 1865 our ancestors were allowed to move forward to make a life as free individuals.  However, we carried some of the slave owner’s characteristics where we judged each other on superficial things.  Reading some of the negative comments I could only make the parallel distinction between these two instances because today we have begun to be discriminatory or bigoted based on that persons choice to love outside of his/her race.  Not much has changed in these 149 years.

I think I understand the disappointment in not seeing Michael or Derrick with an African American partner.  Having two men of African heritage stand before the world and display their love is revolutionary as well as validating to the world that what I (regular Africa American SGL man/woman) have and aspire to have has worth.  I don’t condone the negativity and disparaging comments but I understand that place from which they come.  Just like I did not see the passage of marriage equality coming in 17 states only eleven years ago.  I know we will soon see an African American SGL individual with his/her African American partner publicly allowing the world to see their love for one another.   It is my hope that when that does happen we rally around them with much love and support.   Michael and Derrick deserve our full support as well.  Let's not allow who they love as a barrier but embrace the fact that they have chosen to love.

End Game: The Final Chapter...

Recently I had the pleasure of viewing the PBS documentary entitled Endgame: AIDS in Black America.  The documentary is powerful and I thoroughly applaud all that were involved for it spoke to our community about our community.  What was so poignant about this documentary is that there were topics that were discussed that for DECADES have been off limits for public consumption.  I think with the continued rate of HIV infections in our community we can honestly say that Silence = Death.  The documentary highlighted the major cracks our foundation. 

Many African-Americans are uneducated about HIV and how it is transmitted as well as viewing it as a gay issue.  This has caused many to walk blindly directly into the oncoming high speed traffic of HIV.  There are several stories within the documentary that have stuck with me, however, the overarching message I walked away with is that we (each individual) learn acceptance if we ever want to see the infection rates decline. 

One of the stories that spoke to me on many levels was that of an older woman that had been divorced or 14 years before meeting a deacon in the church they both attended.  After dating and falling in love they decided to marry.  One day while doing some chores around the house she found a letter indicating that he was HIV positive.  The irony of it all is that the letter was dated a year prior to them becoming husband and wife.   I could consider them both casualties of our community’s inability to address this very serious issue.   Her husband made the conscious choice to not inform his wife of his HIV status. While that is wrong and does not render sympathy from the masses, the underline issue is that he lives in a community and attends a church that does not discuss sex and sexual behavior, nor do they embrace him as a gay or bi-sexual individual.  We have seen the personal flogging and bashing of men that are not considered “real men” within our community.   Therefore self-acceptance is not an options and hiding who we really are is the only possibility.  Churches have had members die from HIV/AIDS and still find it easier to remain silent.   I was left wondering what it would have been like if the deacon was able to live an authentic life and not one of judgment and stigma for his sexuality and/or his HIV status.  I tend to bet anything that he would not be married and possibly not HIV positive.  On some level we all worry about what others think of us but living an authentic life is very freeing.

It was just reported that the infection rate amount young black men who have sex with men (YBMSM) has dramatically increased.  Young BMSM, aged 13 – 29, are at even higher risk, experiencing a 48% increase in HIV incidence between 2006 and 2009. More specifically, most new HIV infections are occurring among YBMSM under the age of 30. YBMSM accounted for 63% of the HIV infections among MSM aged 13 – 24 in 2009 compared to only 18% for young White MSM and 16% among young Hispanic MSM.

It is very important to change our attitudes about those that are impacted with the virus as well as those that are HIV positive.  Testing and education alone will not decrease the infection rates of those in the African-American community without a change in our attitude about those that are HIV positive. 

The power is within us as a community but we have to address our issues and take steps to correct them or we will continue to spiral out of control.

Me and the Black Church

As I sit and close my eyes I can still hear the Hammond B3playing and picture the white painted walls with the wood trimmed windows andbaseboards of Truelight Baptist Church. The pews were wooden as well with red padded seat cushions.  My experience with the black church is one ofvery fond memories in my formative years.   My siblings and I were in church every Sunday where my father was aproud and respected member of the deacon board. This was also the church of my maternal grandmother.  My first memory that I can recall is melaying my head on her lap at in church taking a nap.  My grandmother was the matriarch of thefamily.  Even though my mother had passedaway when I was two years old my father ensured that my siblings and I kept avery close relationship with my mother’s side of the family.    

The black church and all that it offers is in my DNA.   The benefits that the black church has donefor the black community cannot be denied or debated.  It was the place where African Americans gotmost of their information that helped changed our communities and furthered usas a race of people. 

As I began to get older I saw some of the negative thingsabout the black church that affected me. When I became about 13 or so I began to understand my sexuality andrelated that back the teachings I heard from the pulpit.  At this time I began to understand but notfully accepted my attraction for men. However, I was torn for my religious teaching said that I was going tohell because of feeling I could not control. This was the same teaching that led me to believe that God made me inhis image.  If that was indeed the casehow could what I felt be wrong.  I thinkthis is when I really began to feel perplexed.  For the next 5-6 years I made the move to not attend churchanymore.  In my true adult years Ireturned to the black church.  However, Iwas blessed enough to find a church that did not spew a homophobic message.

The church has always fed the SGL men and women to theproverbial wolves so there disappointment is not surprising.  Homosexuality was/is considered the mostreprehensible sin.  Even knowing that Icontinued to attend and serve in the church throughout my adult life.   Over the past year or two I have become morecritical of the church.  This criticalstance has caused me to feel a bit ambivalent about serving in a place thatdoes not include all of me.  As I havesat with this issue weighing heavily on my mind and heart I had to ask myself “Why should I attend a party to which I havenot been invited?”   You see the black church is like myfamily.  If any of my siblings were notto accept who I am fully and authentically I would feel a void in my life.   Therefore, with my spiritual family I havefelt that void for some time.  Slowly Ihave drifted away from the attending church, however, let me state that I havenot moved away from God but just the institution of the organized religion.  The black church has always taken the stanceto be exclusive of same gender loving (SGL) men and women.    However, there is no secret that many SGLindividuals hold key positions in almost every black church in this country andthey continue to be damaged by the hate that is spewed from the pulpit in manychurches.  Organized religion has donemore internal damage to my fellow SGL men and women with a doctrine of disdainwhile preaching in the same sermon that God is a God of love.  There is something very disturbing about thatmessage.  Why are SGL men and womensingled out when there are a multitude of issues that are going on in the blackchurch that pastors turn a blind eye to.  

Every Sunday I think about attending church and being in theplace of joy and worship and then I think about the obvious.  The altar that my casket will sit in from ofat the time of my death while those who love me sit in the pews in grief is thesame altar that I can’t stand in front of to express my love for my partnerwhile the same individuals celebrate our love for one another. 

So as you can see, my love affair with the black church isnothing less than complicated…  And guesswhat, I am not alone for many of my SGL brothers and sisters feel the sameway.   The God I serve and love is notpleased.

Consider Me Evolved!!!

Today is May 9, 2012.  I have had the pleasure of hearing President Barack Obama announce his support for marriage equality.   I feel a since of esteem and overwhelming respect and joy at this time.  Back in the early years of his presidency he was asked about his stance on marriage equality.   President Obama at that time noted that he believed marriage was between and man and a woman, however, he was evolving.  Throughout his presidency he has included same-sex couple and families to the White House for various events.  As the years progressed he disbanded the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell legislation as well as gave the Attorney General the directive not to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).  In the course of four years he has let his actions show his overwhelming support of the SGL community. 

As a SGL African-American man this day is very important.  I have lived to see one President all but overlook the HIV/AIDS epidemic and not even utter the words of the virus while many of mothers, fathers and partners were burying their loved ones.  Another President signed into law the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell legislation as well as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell resulted in service men and women being forced back into the closet as well being discharged from the service because of their sexual orientation.  DOMA is a federal law signed in September of 1996 that defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman.   

The President noted in his statement of support that he has evolved because of conversations with his wife and children.  He noted that he has come to know same-sex families in committed relationships up close and personal.  These individuals were no longer “those other people” but people with whom he work, became friends and those that serve in the armed forces he command.   As SGL men and women and our heterosexual allies, we must take the time to converse and take a public stance on this issue to assist others evolve as well and not be shy about taking a stance.  Evolution is a great thing for it means to develop, grow; progressive change.  Evolution is a very positive process.  While this announcement by the President does not give every SGL man and woman the ability to marry the person they love it does make a HUGE statement on numerous levels to not only the citizens of this country but to everyone on this earth. 

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort or convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”  Martin Luther King, Jr.

DOMA, Thank You President Obama

On September 21, 1996, the House and Congress passed and the President (Clinton) signed the infamous Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) legislation. DOMA was instituted in an effort to federally mandate that marriage be defined as a union between opposite sex individuals. Today it is used to keep complete marriage equality from happening. As I was watching the evening national news, I heard that President Obama feels that DOMA is unconstitutional. What makes this such a remarkable instance and caused me to stop in my tracks is that the President has stated clearly that DOMA, which denies marriage equality to same-sex couples, is wrong and unconstitutional. Now the debate will begin and take a different turn because now the LGBT community has gained a powerful ally in court, armed with a powerful argument. What is so interesting about this comment from the President is that just two years ago he infactically stated that marriage was between and man and woman. While the President spoke recently in support of marriage equality, this was not the case just two short years ago. The fact that the President can publically expose his previous stance on the marriage equality issue this shows that he is ever evolving. Currently DOMA is being used to keep full marriage equality rights from coming to the surface for all citizens of this country. The Department of Justice is in place to defent the laws of this country if reasonable arguments can be made, however, currently no such arguments can be made in federal court where these cases are being tried. Today, February 23, 2011, Attorney General, Eric Holder announced that the Justice Department would cease legal defense of the Act at the direction of the President, because he reached the conclusion that it was inconstitutional. If there is one piece of legislation that has consistently been a barrier to the recognition of same-sex marriages then it would have to be DOMA .

Let me be very clear, Eric Holder is doing his job by defending the law. However, it has been determined that this law is unconstitutional and now it is his job to attempt to have that law repealed.

As the President and Attorney General moves forward, there are three things to keep in mind.

1.) What Obama and Holder have determined after a careful analysis is that discrimination cases involving sexual orientation deserve heightened scrutiny and that Section 3 of DOMA is unconstitutional. Now it is up to the district court within the jurisdiction of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals to decide whether it agrees. However, no matter what happens, as Evan Wolfson of Freedom to Marry told me, "You can't unring the Liberty Bell."

2.) DOJ attorneys have been instructed to articulate the new DOMA stance to the courts in other pending DOMA cases.

3.) The ball is now in Boehner's court to decide whether Congress will defend DOMA now that justice will not. Nevertheless, he does not have much time. As I have already mentioned, the deadline for filing arguments in the case is two weeks from tomorrow.

(http://voices.washingtonpost.com/postpartisan/2011/02/obamas_historic_action_against.html)

As a SGL man in a country, that reminds me daily that my constitutional rights are not equal to those of those that are heterosexual. Who or how I love should not eradicate my rights on the constitution of the United States. This is truly a civil rights issue and I know that there has been much debate as to whether marriage equality is a civil rights issue. I would say to those that disagree that while you may feel that way, however, I would not argue with you. Nevertheless, anytime any citizen of this country is not afforded the same rights as his neighbor not only is it an injustice it is an a civil discriminatory practice.

Let me say in closing that I have been a long time proponent of marriage equality. I will continue to advocate until all 50 states have adopted marriage equality and DOMA is repealed.

Bullying - Take Control

This past weekend I had the pleasure of reclaiming my lost center.  I went to visit family in Houston.  I have three beautiful great nephews (2, 3, and 7 years old).  Recently I have been dealing with some professional challenges that have been stressing my ass OUT!!!   Currently, I have a good life and thank God for everything and everyone that I have in my life.   Getting to this place as a Black (authentically living) SGL man in corporate America has not been easy and maintaining it is just as difficult.   I think about the possibility of any of them being bullied and it concerns me for it is possible that they will find themselves with no support from their teachers and school administrators.   

The fact that I have looked at the LGBT landscape and consistently have to read about LGBT youth taking their lives because of bullying makes me so sad.  These children are gifts from God and they have been beaten upon that they see no other out but suicide.   There should never be tolerance for anyone being bullied for ANY reason and made to feel less than.  I remember back in the day when I was in school and having to deal with pubity, adolescence, being an introvert and all that comes with growing up and thinking how difficult life was for me.  What I did not mention is the fact that I found myself much different from my muscular, sports enthusiast older brother.  I felt truly like an odd duck.  Becoming an adult is not an easy process for we all go through the difficulties of growing into our own personality.  On that path there can be some very cruel people (children and adults) that through their lens you have no right to be different in any way.  Being different is and can be a curse because your fellow students can be extremely cruel.  As I have watched the responses from populus individuals that all seem to only be able to state…”Just hang in there it is going to get better”.  While that is true, it offers no real cushion to any child.  What those being bullied need to hear is someone in school administration stand in front of the student body and say that there is a zero tolerance where bullying is involved.  Each parent should be told that if they find out that their child is being bullied it will not be looked at as “oh, that is just kids being kids.  You need to tell your child to suck it up for it will get better.”  Bullshit, parents need to take a no tolerance stance/take no prisoners attitude  and demand that teachers and administrators protect all of our children.  The parent of the bully should be told that your child would be expelled if you do not rein his or her ass in ASAP.

Life will get better but our children need to know that they have our full support without pause NOW!!!  We need to do what the father did when he found out that his daughter was being bullied on the school bus.  Confront the bully and shut it down.  I bet that those kids that were bullying that young girl have stopped and will not do it again. 

Adult life is difficult and full of bill paying and going to a job you may hate, therefore, childhood should be stress free for the most part.  It should be carefree.  Having any child worry about being made fun of or feel that life is better not living is a sin and every adult should be his or her unbrella in the midst of personal storms. 

Bishop, Closets are for Clothes

How does one begin to discuss such a difficult and public topic that has not only the tongues of the LGBT community wagging but those of the most people in this country? Bishop Eddie Long, pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church located in Atlanta, Georgia was recently charged with sexual coercion by four young men who were members of his church as well as his LongFellow program which was setup to mentor young men. It is alleged that the Bishop seduced the young men as well as supplied them with material items. Bishop Long has a lengthy history of taking a very vocal stance against same gender loving (SGL) men and women from the pulpit of his 25,000-member church. In 2004 on a cold and rainy day in Atlanta when the country was seeing a surge in the interest for marriage equality from the SGL community, Bishop Long organized a march in support of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Bishop Long has not been shy about his very vocal stance against the SGL community. Therefore, when the first lawsuit hit the newswires the SGL community was buzzing. I first read about it as a posting from one of my Facebook friends. While I could not say that I doubted the allegations, I wanted to remain neutral beause I believe in innocent until proven guilty. As the days continued there were two additional lawsuits filed against Bishop Long with similiar allegations as the first two litigants. One might find it strange that I wanted to give Bishop Long any slack and not immediately convict him.

As the week passed, I began to hear more about the allegations and it became clear that Bishop Long had a lot of explaining to do. I watched a newsclip of his Sunday morning service because he promised to address the allegations. It was very telling as he stood very self-assured nothing that “I am like Goliath and I have five rocks and have not thrown one yet”. What was evident about his statement was the fact that he did not state that he was innocent.

At the end of the day, the chickens have come home to roost regarding this very hipocritcal existense that Bishop Long has lived. Just last night I watched a brief interview of one of the litigants and he spoke with intelligence and conviction. After listening to the young man that was tracked down and was surprised with a camera in his face, I concluded that these were not young men out to bring down a powerful minister. These men had been emotionally manipulated and then discarded when their usefulness had expired. However, it appears that this young man in the interview was speaking from a place of hurt and rejection. This young man had evidently developed deep feeling for the Bishop and was now disappointed with the way he was discarded. While this may be the case, the use of his power and authority over these men that were of age was orchestrated with the hope that it would remain their little secret. What makes all of this so sick is the fact that Bishop Long used his pulpit to demean SGL men and women while “allegedly” coercing young men for personal sexual and emotional gratification. My fear with all of the activities regarding this matter is that the public will look Bishop Long as a homosexual and only classified as such. He is a sexual predator engaged in same sex activity. This does not automatically make him a SGL man.

Closets are for clothes and shoes. When we try to shield who we really are from the world we are setting ourselves up for years of therapy. However, for many opening that door and coming out of that closet can cause much agony and constination, which can lead to self destructive and detrimental behavior. Society has pulled a cruel game by telling us that they just want SGL men and women to be honest and stop hiding. However, telling stating that we all should live an authentic life does not lend itself to what most SGL men and women have had to deal with. Why would anyone live authentically with the possibility of being ridiculed, thought of as “less than”, unworthy of equal rights, God’s love, etc? Society has made the closet comfortable because celebrating those living an authentic life does not lend itself to what we truly want to embrace. Therefore, on some minor level of understanding I can see why Bishop Long decided to stay in the closet. Being accepted is a drug that we all want to get high on. Once you have that acceptance it is next to impossible to show yourself as a person that the world has defined as unacceptable.

Politics Make Strange Bedfellows

On December 12th the fourth largest city in the United States, Houston, Texas, elected an openly gay mayor. Annise Parker ran against an African-American candidate, Gene Locke. To his credit, Mr. Locke did not raise the issue of Ms. Parker’s sexuality. The opponents ran on issues and not personal attacks or personalities. Mr. Locke was a former city attorney and ran on flushing out crime in the city. Ms. Parker, City Controller, ran on a platform of the ability to handle the city budgets and municipal affairs.

While the candidates stuck to their platforms and focused on what they felt would make them the next mayor of Houston the campaign got strange because a group of black pastors began to speak out against Ms. Parker making reference to her “gay” agenda an agenda that she was not running on. Ms. Parker did not reference her sexuality in the primary or the final election process. It appears that a contengent group of African American pastors of Houston had a real problem with Ms. Parker based on her sexuality and nothing more. They to aligned themselves with conservative right wing individuals. This alliance is odd and disturbing because we (African-Americans) seem to jump at the chance with aligning ourselves with those who would give less than a damned about us but find it convienent to use us because of our stance when it comes to gay issues. Let me say this infatically, the conservative right have never made any bones about the fact that they are not about to support the things that matter most to the African-American community. They have never been silent in who they are, yet we have pastors, men and women we consider as stallworth figures in our community, sit and strategize with them.  So are they betraying the community as a whole?  The idea that sitting down with someone that only wants to use you and your community to serve their own agenda and you do this repeatedly at this point and time in history actually turns my stomach. The conservative right comes calling everytime a city attempts to pass marriage equality legislation in cities around this country. We always seem to have selective amnesia about people who only want our support for their own political gain. Knowing this, we never fail to disappoint “the enemy” and we jump at the chance to join the sadistic party of strange bedfellows. This alliance just adds to the image that some pastors are hypocritical human beings. Let us not be fooled the “closet” is full of men and women that get up every Sunday morning put on their pastor attire and attack the LGBT community. Every African-American pastor sits in their pulpits every Sunday watching and listening to LGBT members of the church serve in the choir, deacon and trustee boards as well in the pulpits at their places of worship they are systematically fighting to keep them all in the closet to help perpetuate a climate of self destruction. We have yet to connect the dots and understand that this silence and lack of support is killing us in many ways for it give license to sick minds to abuse men and women in the LGBT community, makes men and women afraid to express who they truly are, etc.

I applaude both Mr. Locke and Ms. Parker for running a campaign that focused on the issues and not on personal attacks. I also congratulate the Houstonians for electing someone they chose based on qualifications.