Awwww Nawl...Say It Ain't So!!

As I think about how far we as SGL men and women have come in my life time I am over joyed.   I think about our ability to legally marry in 17 states and the District of Columbia.  This was accomplished in just the past eleven years and several other states on the horizon.  Even more astounding is that on June 26 2013, DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) was repealed.  Not to mention the repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell".  We have come a long way in such a short time. 

Even with all of the accomplishments we have made as a community there still seems to be this very harsh reality that we have not progressed as much as we think.  I say this because I continue to read some very disturbing things as it relates to dating someone that is Caucasian. 

I would never say that we are color blind or should be in a country where color of one’s skin is clearly an issue.   However, just the other day Michael Sam was drafted by the St. Louis Rams and was televised receiving a congratulatory kiss from his boyfriend who is white.  When I saw it I could hear the screams and criticisms within the African American SGL community “awww nawl not a white boy…damn”. 

This was also the case when Derrick Gordon, the UMASS basketball player, recently appeared on the red carpet at the GLADD Media Awards with his white boyfriend, Gerald McCullouch.    McCullouch is much older than the 22 year old Gordon as well as an actor/director.   The comments after this public appearance were both of race and age.

I think back to the mid to late 70’s when African American women were turned off by seeing a brotha with a white woman.  They would get very upset and feel personally offended by the fact that he would date a white woman.  White women were assumed to be the trophy to one's success.  So it is interesting to see similar attitudes within the black SGL community now.

Many would think that with all the oppression and discrimination we have endure that we would be the last to do the same to others.  However as humans, the oppressed always wants to become the oppressor.  It would be beautiful if we had become different from others and not allowed race to become a deciding factor in how we view someone's worthiness.  What is sad is that by focusing on those who love people that don’t look like us we miss the beauty in their story.  Living and loving who you want to is what it should be about and not about the fact that he chose someone that does not look like me.  Let’s be honest 99.9% of those who made those comments would NEVER be in the running if Michael or Derrick were to only dating within their race.   It is not as if you lost anything in the process or was cheated out of your possibility to catch a good man.  What ever happened to the thought that love and companionship is the goal of most us within the SGL community?  Finding a compatible mate is not easy to attain due of some of the other ills within the community. 

Once slavery was abolished back in 1865 our ancestors were allowed to move forward to make a life as free individuals.  However, we carried some of the slave owner’s characteristics where we judged each other on superficial things.  Reading some of the negative comments I could only make the parallel distinction between these two instances because today we have begun to be discriminatory or bigoted based on that persons choice to love outside of his/her race.  Not much has changed in these 149 years.

I think I understand the disappointment in not seeing Michael or Derrick with an African American partner.  Having two men of African heritage stand before the world and display their love is revolutionary as well as validating to the world that what I (regular Africa American SGL man/woman) have and aspire to have has worth.  I don’t condone the negativity and disparaging comments but I understand that place from which they come.  Just like I did not see the passage of marriage equality coming in 17 states only eleven years ago.  I know we will soon see an African American SGL individual with his/her African American partner publicly allowing the world to see their love for one another.   It is my hope that when that does happen we rally around them with much love and support.   Michael and Derrick deserve our full support as well.  Let's not allow who they love as a barrier but embrace the fact that they have chosen to love.

End Game: The Final Chapter...

Recently I had the pleasure of viewing the PBS documentary entitled Endgame: AIDS in Black America.  The documentary is powerful and I thoroughly applaud all that were involved for it spoke to our community about our community.  What was so poignant about this documentary is that there were topics that were discussed that for DECADES have been off limits for public consumption.  I think with the continued rate of HIV infections in our community we can honestly say that Silence = Death.  The documentary highlighted the major cracks our foundation. 

Many African-Americans are uneducated about HIV and how it is transmitted as well as viewing it as a gay issue.  This has caused many to walk blindly directly into the oncoming high speed traffic of HIV.  There are several stories within the documentary that have stuck with me, however, the overarching message I walked away with is that we (each individual) learn acceptance if we ever want to see the infection rates decline. 

One of the stories that spoke to me on many levels was that of an older woman that had been divorced or 14 years before meeting a deacon in the church they both attended.  After dating and falling in love they decided to marry.  One day while doing some chores around the house she found a letter indicating that he was HIV positive.  The irony of it all is that the letter was dated a year prior to them becoming husband and wife.   I could consider them both casualties of our community’s inability to address this very serious issue.   Her husband made the conscious choice to not inform his wife of his HIV status. While that is wrong and does not render sympathy from the masses, the underline issue is that he lives in a community and attends a church that does not discuss sex and sexual behavior, nor do they embrace him as a gay or bi-sexual individual.  We have seen the personal flogging and bashing of men that are not considered “real men” within our community.   Therefore self-acceptance is not an options and hiding who we really are is the only possibility.  Churches have had members die from HIV/AIDS and still find it easier to remain silent.   I was left wondering what it would have been like if the deacon was able to live an authentic life and not one of judgment and stigma for his sexuality and/or his HIV status.  I tend to bet anything that he would not be married and possibly not HIV positive.  On some level we all worry about what others think of us but living an authentic life is very freeing.

It was just reported that the infection rate amount young black men who have sex with men (YBMSM) has dramatically increased.  Young BMSM, aged 13 – 29, are at even higher risk, experiencing a 48% increase in HIV incidence between 2006 and 2009. More specifically, most new HIV infections are occurring among YBMSM under the age of 30. YBMSM accounted for 63% of the HIV infections among MSM aged 13 – 24 in 2009 compared to only 18% for young White MSM and 16% among young Hispanic MSM.

It is very important to change our attitudes about those that are impacted with the virus as well as those that are HIV positive.  Testing and education alone will not decrease the infection rates of those in the African-American community without a change in our attitude about those that are HIV positive. 

The power is within us as a community but we have to address our issues and take steps to correct them or we will continue to spiral out of control.

Me and the Black Church

As I sit and close my eyes I can still hear the Hammond B3playing and picture the white painted walls with the wood trimmed windows andbaseboards of Truelight Baptist Church. The pews were wooden as well with red padded seat cushions.  My experience with the black church is one ofvery fond memories in my formative years.   My siblings and I were in church every Sunday where my father was aproud and respected member of the deacon board. This was also the church of my maternal grandmother.  My first memory that I can recall is melaying my head on her lap at in church taking a nap.  My grandmother was the matriarch of thefamily.  Even though my mother had passedaway when I was two years old my father ensured that my siblings and I kept avery close relationship with my mother’s side of the family.    

The black church and all that it offers is in my DNA.   The benefits that the black church has donefor the black community cannot be denied or debated.  It was the place where African Americans gotmost of their information that helped changed our communities and furthered usas a race of people. 

As I began to get older I saw some of the negative thingsabout the black church that affected me. When I became about 13 or so I began to understand my sexuality andrelated that back the teachings I heard from the pulpit.  At this time I began to understand but notfully accepted my attraction for men. However, I was torn for my religious teaching said that I was going tohell because of feeling I could not control. This was the same teaching that led me to believe that God made me inhis image.  If that was indeed the casehow could what I felt be wrong.  I thinkthis is when I really began to feel perplexed.  For the next 5-6 years I made the move to not attend churchanymore.  In my true adult years Ireturned to the black church.  However, Iwas blessed enough to find a church that did not spew a homophobic message.

The church has always fed the SGL men and women to theproverbial wolves so there disappointment is not surprising.  Homosexuality was/is considered the mostreprehensible sin.  Even knowing that Icontinued to attend and serve in the church throughout my adult life.   Over the past year or two I have become morecritical of the church.  This criticalstance has caused me to feel a bit ambivalent about serving in a place thatdoes not include all of me.  As I havesat with this issue weighing heavily on my mind and heart I had to ask myself “Why should I attend a party to which I havenot been invited?”   You see the black church is like myfamily.  If any of my siblings were notto accept who I am fully and authentically I would feel a void in my life.   Therefore, with my spiritual family I havefelt that void for some time.  Slowly Ihave drifted away from the attending church, however, let me state that I havenot moved away from God but just the institution of the organized religion.  The black church has always taken the stanceto be exclusive of same gender loving (SGL) men and women.    However, there is no secret that many SGLindividuals hold key positions in almost every black church in this country andthey continue to be damaged by the hate that is spewed from the pulpit in manychurches.  Organized religion has donemore internal damage to my fellow SGL men and women with a doctrine of disdainwhile preaching in the same sermon that God is a God of love.  There is something very disturbing about thatmessage.  Why are SGL men and womensingled out when there are a multitude of issues that are going on in the blackchurch that pastors turn a blind eye to.  

Every Sunday I think about attending church and being in theplace of joy and worship and then I think about the obvious.  The altar that my casket will sit in from ofat the time of my death while those who love me sit in the pews in grief is thesame altar that I can’t stand in front of to express my love for my partnerwhile the same individuals celebrate our love for one another. 

So as you can see, my love affair with the black church isnothing less than complicated…  And guesswhat, I am not alone for many of my SGL brothers and sisters feel the sameway.   The God I serve and love is notpleased.

Consider Me Evolved!!!

Today is May 9, 2012.  I have had the pleasure of hearing President Barack Obama announce his support for marriage equality.   I feel a since of esteem and overwhelming respect and joy at this time.  Back in the early years of his presidency he was asked about his stance on marriage equality.   President Obama at that time noted that he believed marriage was between and man and a woman, however, he was evolving.  Throughout his presidency he has included same-sex couple and families to the White House for various events.  As the years progressed he disbanded the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell legislation as well as gave the Attorney General the directive not to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).  In the course of four years he has let his actions show his overwhelming support of the SGL community. 

As a SGL African-American man this day is very important.  I have lived to see one President all but overlook the HIV/AIDS epidemic and not even utter the words of the virus while many of mothers, fathers and partners were burying their loved ones.  Another President signed into law the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell legislation as well as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).  Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell resulted in service men and women being forced back into the closet as well being discharged from the service because of their sexual orientation.  DOMA is a federal law signed in September of 1996 that defines marriage as a legal union between one man and one woman.   

The President noted in his statement of support that he has evolved because of conversations with his wife and children.  He noted that he has come to know same-sex families in committed relationships up close and personal.  These individuals were no longer “those other people” but people with whom he work, became friends and those that serve in the armed forces he command.   As SGL men and women and our heterosexual allies, we must take the time to converse and take a public stance on this issue to assist others evolve as well and not be shy about taking a stance.  Evolution is a great thing for it means to develop, grow; progressive change.  Evolution is a very positive process.  While this announcement by the President does not give every SGL man and woman the ability to marry the person they love it does make a HUGE statement on numerous levels to not only the citizens of this country but to everyone on this earth. 

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort or convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”  Martin Luther King, Jr.

DOMA, Thank You President Obama

On September 21, 1996, the House and Congress passed and the President (Clinton) signed the infamous Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) legislation. DOMA was instituted in an effort to federally mandate that marriage be defined as a union between opposite sex individuals. Today it is used to keep complete marriage equality from happening. As I was watching the evening national news, I heard that President Obama feels that DOMA is unconstitutional. What makes this such a remarkable instance and caused me to stop in my tracks is that the President has stated clearly that DOMA, which denies marriage equality to same-sex couples, is wrong and unconstitutional. Now the debate will begin and take a different turn because now the LGBT community has gained a powerful ally in court, armed with a powerful argument. What is so interesting about this comment from the President is that just two years ago he infactically stated that marriage was between and man and woman. While the President spoke recently in support of marriage equality, this was not the case just two short years ago. The fact that the President can publically expose his previous stance on the marriage equality issue this shows that he is ever evolving. Currently DOMA is being used to keep full marriage equality rights from coming to the surface for all citizens of this country. The Department of Justice is in place to defent the laws of this country if reasonable arguments can be made, however, currently no such arguments can be made in federal court where these cases are being tried. Today, February 23, 2011, Attorney General, Eric Holder announced that the Justice Department would cease legal defense of the Act at the direction of the President, because he reached the conclusion that it was inconstitutional. If there is one piece of legislation that has consistently been a barrier to the recognition of same-sex marriages then it would have to be DOMA .

Let me be very clear, Eric Holder is doing his job by defending the law. However, it has been determined that this law is unconstitutional and now it is his job to attempt to have that law repealed.

As the President and Attorney General moves forward, there are three things to keep in mind.

1.) What Obama and Holder have determined after a careful analysis is that discrimination cases involving sexual orientation deserve heightened scrutiny and that Section 3 of DOMA is unconstitutional. Now it is up to the district court within the jurisdiction of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals to decide whether it agrees. However, no matter what happens, as Evan Wolfson of Freedom to Marry told me, "You can't unring the Liberty Bell."

2.) DOJ attorneys have been instructed to articulate the new DOMA stance to the courts in other pending DOMA cases.

3.) The ball is now in Boehner's court to decide whether Congress will defend DOMA now that justice will not. Nevertheless, he does not have much time. As I have already mentioned, the deadline for filing arguments in the case is two weeks from tomorrow.

(http://voices.washingtonpost.com/postpartisan/2011/02/obamas_historic_action_against.html)

As a SGL man in a country, that reminds me daily that my constitutional rights are not equal to those of those that are heterosexual. Who or how I love should not eradicate my rights on the constitution of the United States. This is truly a civil rights issue and I know that there has been much debate as to whether marriage equality is a civil rights issue. I would say to those that disagree that while you may feel that way, however, I would not argue with you. Nevertheless, anytime any citizen of this country is not afforded the same rights as his neighbor not only is it an injustice it is an a civil discriminatory practice.

Let me say in closing that I have been a long time proponent of marriage equality. I will continue to advocate until all 50 states have adopted marriage equality and DOMA is repealed.

Bullying - Take Control

This past weekend I had the pleasure of reclaiming my lost center.  I went to visit family in Houston.  I have three beautiful great nephews (2, 3, and 7 years old).  Recently I have been dealing with some professional challenges that have been stressing my ass OUT!!!   Currently, I have a good life and thank God for everything and everyone that I have in my life.   Getting to this place as a Black (authentically living) SGL man in corporate America has not been easy and maintaining it is just as difficult.   I think about the possibility of any of them being bullied and it concerns me for it is possible that they will find themselves with no support from their teachers and school administrators.   

The fact that I have looked at the LGBT landscape and consistently have to read about LGBT youth taking their lives because of bullying makes me so sad.  These children are gifts from God and they have been beaten upon that they see no other out but suicide.   There should never be tolerance for anyone being bullied for ANY reason and made to feel less than.  I remember back in the day when I was in school and having to deal with pubity, adolescence, being an introvert and all that comes with growing up and thinking how difficult life was for me.  What I did not mention is the fact that I found myself much different from my muscular, sports enthusiast older brother.  I felt truly like an odd duck.  Becoming an adult is not an easy process for we all go through the difficulties of growing into our own personality.  On that path there can be some very cruel people (children and adults) that through their lens you have no right to be different in any way.  Being different is and can be a curse because your fellow students can be extremely cruel.  As I have watched the responses from populus individuals that all seem to only be able to state…”Just hang in there it is going to get better”.  While that is true, it offers no real cushion to any child.  What those being bullied need to hear is someone in school administration stand in front of the student body and say that there is a zero tolerance where bullying is involved.  Each parent should be told that if they find out that their child is being bullied it will not be looked at as “oh, that is just kids being kids.  You need to tell your child to suck it up for it will get better.”  Bullshit, parents need to take a no tolerance stance/take no prisoners attitude  and demand that teachers and administrators protect all of our children.  The parent of the bully should be told that your child would be expelled if you do not rein his or her ass in ASAP.

Life will get better but our children need to know that they have our full support without pause NOW!!!  We need to do what the father did when he found out that his daughter was being bullied on the school bus.  Confront the bully and shut it down.  I bet that those kids that were bullying that young girl have stopped and will not do it again. 

Adult life is difficult and full of bill paying and going to a job you may hate, therefore, childhood should be stress free for the most part.  It should be carefree.  Having any child worry about being made fun of or feel that life is better not living is a sin and every adult should be his or her unbrella in the midst of personal storms. 

Bishop, Closets are for Clothes

How does one begin to discuss such a difficult and public topic that has not only the tongues of the LGBT community wagging but those of the most people in this country? Bishop Eddie Long, pastor of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church located in Atlanta, Georgia was recently charged with sexual coercion by four young men who were members of his church as well as his LongFellow program which was setup to mentor young men. It is alleged that the Bishop seduced the young men as well as supplied them with material items. Bishop Long has a lengthy history of taking a very vocal stance against same gender loving (SGL) men and women from the pulpit of his 25,000-member church. In 2004 on a cold and rainy day in Atlanta when the country was seeing a surge in the interest for marriage equality from the SGL community, Bishop Long organized a march in support of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Bishop Long has not been shy about his very vocal stance against the SGL community. Therefore, when the first lawsuit hit the newswires the SGL community was buzzing. I first read about it as a posting from one of my Facebook friends. While I could not say that I doubted the allegations, I wanted to remain neutral beause I believe in innocent until proven guilty. As the days continued there were two additional lawsuits filed against Bishop Long with similiar allegations as the first two litigants. One might find it strange that I wanted to give Bishop Long any slack and not immediately convict him.

As the week passed, I began to hear more about the allegations and it became clear that Bishop Long had a lot of explaining to do. I watched a newsclip of his Sunday morning service because he promised to address the allegations. It was very telling as he stood very self-assured nothing that “I am like Goliath and I have five rocks and have not thrown one yet”. What was evident about his statement was the fact that he did not state that he was innocent.

At the end of the day, the chickens have come home to roost regarding this very hipocritcal existense that Bishop Long has lived. Just last night I watched a brief interview of one of the litigants and he spoke with intelligence and conviction. After listening to the young man that was tracked down and was surprised with a camera in his face, I concluded that these were not young men out to bring down a powerful minister. These men had been emotionally manipulated and then discarded when their usefulness had expired. However, it appears that this young man in the interview was speaking from a place of hurt and rejection. This young man had evidently developed deep feeling for the Bishop and was now disappointed with the way he was discarded. While this may be the case, the use of his power and authority over these men that were of age was orchestrated with the hope that it would remain their little secret. What makes all of this so sick is the fact that Bishop Long used his pulpit to demean SGL men and women while “allegedly” coercing young men for personal sexual and emotional gratification. My fear with all of the activities regarding this matter is that the public will look Bishop Long as a homosexual and only classified as such. He is a sexual predator engaged in same sex activity. This does not automatically make him a SGL man.

Closets are for clothes and shoes. When we try to shield who we really are from the world we are setting ourselves up for years of therapy. However, for many opening that door and coming out of that closet can cause much agony and constination, which can lead to self destructive and detrimental behavior. Society has pulled a cruel game by telling us that they just want SGL men and women to be honest and stop hiding. However, telling stating that we all should live an authentic life does not lend itself to what most SGL men and women have had to deal with. Why would anyone live authentically with the possibility of being ridiculed, thought of as “less than”, unworthy of equal rights, God’s love, etc? Society has made the closet comfortable because celebrating those living an authentic life does not lend itself to what we truly want to embrace. Therefore, on some minor level of understanding I can see why Bishop Long decided to stay in the closet. Being accepted is a drug that we all want to get high on. Once you have that acceptance it is next to impossible to show yourself as a person that the world has defined as unacceptable.