As I sit and close my eyes I can still hear the Hammond B3playing and picture the white painted walls with the wood trimmed windows andbaseboards of Truelight Baptist Church. The pews were wooden as well with red padded seat cushions. My experience with the black church is one ofvery fond memories in my formative years. My siblings and I were in church every Sunday where my father was aproud and respected member of the deacon board. This was also the church of my maternal grandmother. My first memory that I can recall is melaying my head on her lap at in church taking a nap. My grandmother was the matriarch of thefamily. Even though my mother had passedaway when I was two years old my father ensured that my siblings and I kept avery close relationship with my mother’s side of the family.
The black church and all that it offers is in my DNA. The benefits that the black church has donefor the black community cannot be denied or debated. It was the place where African Americans gotmost of their information that helped changed our communities and furthered usas a race of people.
As I began to get older I saw some of the negative thingsabout the black church that affected me. When I became about 13 or so I began to understand my sexuality andrelated that back the teachings I heard from the pulpit. At this time I began to understand but notfully accepted my attraction for men. However, I was torn for my religious teaching said that I was going tohell because of feeling I could not control. This was the same teaching that led me to believe that God made me inhis image. If that was indeed the casehow could what I felt be wrong. I thinkthis is when I really began to feel perplexed. For the next 5-6 years I made the move to not attend churchanymore. In my true adult years Ireturned to the black church. However, Iwas blessed enough to find a church that did not spew a homophobic message.
The church has always fed the SGL men and women to theproverbial wolves so there disappointment is not surprising. Homosexuality was/is considered the mostreprehensible sin. Even knowing that Icontinued to attend and serve in the church throughout my adult life. Over the past year or two I have become morecritical of the church. This criticalstance has caused me to feel a bit ambivalent about serving in a place thatdoes not include all of me. As I havesat with this issue weighing heavily on my mind and heart I had to ask myself “Why should I attend a party to which I havenot been invited?” You see the black church is like myfamily. If any of my siblings were notto accept who I am fully and authentically I would feel a void in my life. Therefore, with my spiritual family I havefelt that void for some time. Slowly Ihave drifted away from the attending church, however, let me state that I havenot moved away from God but just the institution of the organized religion. The black church has always taken the stanceto be exclusive of same gender loving (SGL) men and women. However, there is no secret that many SGLindividuals hold key positions in almost every black church in this country andthey continue to be damaged by the hate that is spewed from the pulpit in manychurches. Organized religion has donemore internal damage to my fellow SGL men and women with a doctrine of disdainwhile preaching in the same sermon that God is a God of love. There is something very disturbing about thatmessage. Why are SGL men and womensingled out when there are a multitude of issues that are going on in the blackchurch that pastors turn a blind eye to.
Every Sunday I think about attending church and being in theplace of joy and worship and then I think about the obvious. The altar that my casket will sit in from ofat the time of my death while those who love me sit in the pews in grief is thesame altar that I can’t stand in front of to express my love for my partnerwhile the same individuals celebrate our love for one another.
So as you can see, my love affair with the black church isnothing less than complicated… And guesswhat, I am not alone for many of my SGL brothers and sisters feel the sameway. The God I serve and love is notpleased.