Forgiveness

Forgiveness is tough when the hurt is caused by someone you love deeply.  When the pain hits you it is like a gut punch that never seems to subside.  You seem to feel blows repeatedly.  The mind then becomes your guts best friend and they seem to sit and talk about the betrayal like old girlfriends at the kitchen table.   Drinking Hennessey and talking about his low-down ass.   The mind becomes that ride or die friend that tells you to cuss that motherfucker out and leave his insensitive ass.  All while your mind and stomach are winning the battle against your heart by drowning it out.   Your mind talking your stomach causing the gut pain to continue every time the mind replays the situation in slow motion causing the tears to flow endlessly.  The calibration of the mind and stomach will drown out any sense of reason that may be trying to edge its way through.

I have not had this happen to me in several years and the pain and disappointment is excruciating.  I seemed to have lost focus and the world as I knew it just hours ago seemed to have shifted all because of someone’s action.  This same someone who told me just earlier that day that he loved me.  At this moment I am questioning that love.  Not only am I questioning that love but my own love for him and my judgment or lack thereof.  What made me allow myself to be so vulnerable?  I began to say, fuck this, I need to guard my heart because no one is going to take care of me like I would take care of me.  I thought that the one person I gave it to freely had no desire to protect it.  As the pain continues and the brain and stomach push me to unrelenting tears and fear I can’t concentrate.  Things are beginning to look bad and at some point, worse.

However, the heart seems to speak up and drown out the noise from the brain.  My heart helped me sit still and understand that he made a mistake that was hurtful but not detrimental nor a betrayal.   My heart has endured much hurt and pain that I felt I would never recover from however; I have been resilient.  Slowly my heart calmed my fears and stopped to curtailed the falling tears.  I began to see why and how I fell in love with this flawed but beautiful man and I could not allow myself to embrace the fears that my mind was telling me were justified.  After the tears subsided, I had to sit and think about who he is and what he is at his core.  In my quiet time I accepted that he made a mistake and if I loved him as I professed, I had to forgive him.  My heart reminded me that together we could work this out and continue to love each other through this.  I have always loved with an open heart and in a big bold and beautiful way.  I don’t want that to change for it is not fair to either of us.  This situation will cause me to pause at times because I am human, and the pain and scars are fresh, but I know we can get through this.  I know it will not be the end of the test we will endure but my faith in us and the challenges going forward are worth it.    Forgiveness is a huge pill of pride to swallow because while the heart has the loudest voice, I can still hear my mind having its say for it will not be silenced. 

“Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear.  That is why it is such a powerful weapon.”  Nelson Mandela 

Compromise

 

It is no secret that I have been lucky in dating and unlucky of love longevity.  I have been in awe of the possibility of loving and falling in love to the point of marriage.  Yes, marriage is something I desire from the pit of my soul.  I so desired a mate that has the capacity to love me with the strength and desire that I have within me.  However, I seemed to be meeting and selecting the wrong men.  They seemed to have no real fire within their belly for the same things I desired.  After several years of therapy, I have learned that part of the issue was me which was difficult to deal with.   

Part of my issue is I have sat back and watched many associates find love and people with whom to share their life.  I often would think, so what is wrong with me and what am I doing wrong to where I am unable to secure a man that has the ability and strength to love and be loved.  While that seems like a small order it is one that seems to be difficult to ascertain with some black men.  I was not willing to go outside my race to fulfill this desire for while seemingly difficult black men are what I desire.    I am sure that it would have made my journey less cumbersome, however, it was not one I was willing to compromise on.  

I got caught up in what was happening around me and seeing the partnerships/marriages of friends that were successful.    It was overwhelming to see relationships of love and not feeling that it was going to happen for me, one of the most loving people on this earth.  Was I seeing the true essence of loving relationships or was I just seeing technicolor love that was playing itself out for those of us viewing?   

About two years ago in a very honest conversation with my cousin, I told her that I had given up on marriage because I no longer saw that as part of my future.  I had not given up on love, however, what I was really saying was that I was willing to compromise for love.  I did not know it at that time, but I was saying it loud and clear just in a different form.  Compromise on my desires to have it all or at least marriage was the beginning of the end for me.  I was willing to settle just to have a glimpse of a loving relationship.  It took me until about a month ago to realize what I had been doing.  I was being destructive to my own future just to have a piece of something.

Six months ago, I met a very nice man that I was willing to give my heart to because I saw in him a potential future.  However, as time went on, I did not see what I desired most and that was a display through words and deeds some type of affection.  While we live in different states there was no verbal expressions of intimate interest.  I just wrote it off as it not being his thing.  However, my soul desired and longed for some form of confirmation but I had compromised and put my desires on that back burner.   We talked about his lack of a desire to get married and live together, two things I desired.  However, I compromised and told myself that this was okay.  It took someone very close to me to help unearth the desired I had buried which has been detrimental to my soul.   It was not this man’s fault, while he is a great guy, he simply does not have the capacity to love me the way I deserve to be loved.  These past 6 months he was truly being honest with me and himself, yet I was the one not being honest.    I can’t blame anyone but myself for where I am today.    I will have to make the hard decision to correct this soon for to go on like this is not fair to either of us.   Compromise should never come at cost of losing one's self in the process.