Forgiveness

Forgiveness is tough when the hurt is caused by someone you love deeply.  When the pain hits you it is like a gut punch that never seems to subside.  You seem to feel blows repeatedly.  The mind then becomes your guts best friend and they seem to sit and talk about the betrayal like old girlfriends at the kitchen table.   Drinking Hennessey and talking about his low-down ass.   The mind becomes that ride or die friend that tells you to cuss that motherfucker out and leave his insensitive ass.  All while your mind and stomach are winning the battle against your heart by drowning it out.   Your mind talking your stomach causing the gut pain to continue every time the mind replays the situation in slow motion causing the tears to flow endlessly.  The calibration of the mind and stomach will drown out any sense of reason that may be trying to edge its way through.

I have not had this happen to me in several years and the pain and disappointment is excruciating.  I seemed to have lost focus and the world as I knew it just hours ago seemed to have shifted all because of someone’s action.  This same someone who told me just earlier that day that he loved me.  At this moment I am questioning that love.  Not only am I questioning that love but my own love for him and my judgment or lack thereof.  What made me allow myself to be so vulnerable?  I began to say, fuck this, I need to guard my heart because no one is going to take care of me like I would take care of me.  I thought that the one person I gave it to freely had no desire to protect it.  As the pain continues and the brain and stomach push me to unrelenting tears and fear I can’t concentrate.  Things are beginning to look bad and at some point, worse.

However, the heart seems to speak up and drown out the noise from the brain.  My heart helped me sit still and understand that he made a mistake that was hurtful but not detrimental nor a betrayal.   My heart has endured much hurt and pain that I felt I would never recover from however; I have been resilient.  Slowly my heart calmed my fears and stopped to curtailed the falling tears.  I began to see why and how I fell in love with this flawed but beautiful man and I could not allow myself to embrace the fears that my mind was telling me were justified.  After the tears subsided, I had to sit and think about who he is and what he is at his core.  In my quiet time I accepted that he made a mistake and if I loved him as I professed, I had to forgive him.  My heart reminded me that together we could work this out and continue to love each other through this.  I have always loved with an open heart and in a big bold and beautiful way.  I don’t want that to change for it is not fair to either of us.  This situation will cause me to pause at times because I am human, and the pain and scars are fresh, but I know we can get through this.  I know it will not be the end of the test we will endure but my faith in us and the challenges going forward are worth it.    Forgiveness is a huge pill of pride to swallow because while the heart has the loudest voice, I can still hear my mind having its say for it will not be silenced. 

“Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear.  That is why it is such a powerful weapon.”  Nelson Mandela